Desire, Novelty, and Self-Revelation
Whether biological or psychological, sexual familiarity often dampens desire—and humans thrive on novelty. Novelty gives us that exhilarating high. But the deeper question is: do we truly need something new, or do we need to reveal more of ourselves?
Non-Monogamy as Authentic Expression
For some, non-monogamy is a conscious and life-affirming choice. It isn’t about chasing novelty for its own sake—it’s about expanding the range of connection, intimacy, and self-expression that one relationship alone may not hold. Different partners can awaken different dimensions of who we are, and for some, honoring that truth is a powerful way of living authentically.
Monogamy and the Search for Wholeness
For others, deep fulfillment comes from fully expressing themselves within an existing relationship. Yet some who long for the safety of monogamy end up undermining that very security by seeking fulfillment through a non-consensual affair.
Several years ago, Esther Perel said something that has stayed with me:
When people cheat, they aren’t necessarily seeking someone else—they’re seeking a fuller, more vibrant version of themselves.
That insight made me wonder: are there other ways to explore and express those unlived parts of ourselves while remaining within a monogamous relationship?
Relationships as Worlds
If we’re honest, different aspects of us awaken in different relationships. One friend may spark our playfulness, another our intellect. Some make us feel fearless; others draw out our wisdom or creativity. Each connection reveals a unique facet of who we are.
Anaïs Nin put it beautifully:
“Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive.”
For some, non-monogamy gives those “worlds” more room to breathe. But even within monogamy, we must ask: what happens when routine sets in—not only in action, but in identity? As sex therapist David Schnarch observed, people don’t just repeat the same moves in bed—they bring the same version of themselves.
Revealing More of Ourselves
The real challenge—and opportunity—whether monogamous or not, is to nurture relationships by integrating more of our unexpressed parts. For some, non-monogamy opens that door; for others, the adventure lies in continually expanding themselves within a single partnership.
Neither path is inherently better. What matters is whether our choices feel aligned with our values and agreements. The deeper question is not “new partner versus old partner,” but: are we allowing our full selves to come alive?
Questions for Reflection
- How do you show up in your everyday relationship?
- What do you believe your partner expects from you?
- What parts of yourself feel unseen or unexplored?
Those unexpressed parts—the playful, seductive, adventurous selves—are often exiled erotic selves, waiting for expression. Whether we choose to share them with one partner or many, the invitation is the same: to live more fully as ourselves.
The Barriers to Self-Expression
We all face internal and external constraints that limit how much of us shows up in love:
- Cultural taboos
- Unspoken agreements
- Personal inhibitions
For instance, we might believe:
- Raw lust has no place in a loving relationship.
- Flirtation and seduction don’t align with being a responsible parent.
So we compartmentalize. We hide. But containment often hardens into suppression, even numbness.
The Erotic as Integration
What if, instead of suppressing these parts, we worked with our partner to integrate them? What if our erotic relationships became stages where all our identities could safely exist?
Prompts to explore:
- Which parts of yourself have you hidden in your current relationship?
- What happens when you imagine expressing them with your partner?
- How might you bring one of these parts into a non-sexual moment, like a date?
- How could you weave it into your lovemaking?
Anaïs Nin also wrote:
“The truly faithless one is the one who makes love to only a fraction of you. And denies the rest.”
Let’s make space for all of ourselves to exist—within our relationships, not only outside of them.
