Here at Passion and Presence, we usually find that one partner is more interested in our retreats than the other. If you’re reading this article, that’s probably you. Perhaps you’ve done a lot of personal work on yourself through therapy, meditation, or retreats. You put your growth first, and you look for ways to improve your relationship and your erotic life ongoingly.
The problem is your partner may not share your enthusiasm. They may believe things are fine the way they are or feel uncomfortable addressing their concerns with an outside person. Often, the reluctant partner is afraid of stirring things up. They’ve made peace with the status quo and intuitively know that things can get worse before they get better.
So, what to do if you want to participate in our offerings and your partner doesn’t? We’ve come up with 6 strategies that might support you:
1. First, you could read Passion and Presence: A Couple’s Guide to Awakened Intimacy and Mindful Sex. At the very least, it will help shift your awareness. Our experiences in the bedroom have everything to do with our beliefs and expectations—these limit what we can open up to sexually.
2. Only one of us has to change for our sex life to change dramatically. So, you don’t have to wait. However, if you want your partner to join you in this process, think of three or four reasons that you want to enroll in our retreats. These could include experiencing more:
- Pleasure, intimacy, and erotic expression.
- Knowing what to do when either of you gets triggered.
- Recovering curiosity and a sense of fun and play.
3. Then, identify three or four reasons that would benefit your partner. Such as:
- You’ll be more willing to have sex.
- The sex you have together is likely to be more rewarding
- They don’t have to feel responsible for how things go
By doing so, you are not only advocating for yourself; you are considering your partner’s needs as well. Then consider your partner’s fears and objections by putting yourself in their shoes. Start by offering empathy and understanding. Doing so minimizes the likelihood that you will polarize around the issue.
4. Offer reassurance around their fears. Perhaps your partner is wary because they don’t want to face issues but would rather stick their head in the sand. It may seem less risky. Perhaps they don’t want to expose their feelings of inadequacy to the group.
You can reassure them that we’ve seen these fears many times before, and in fact, some of our most enthusiastic participants started out as the most reluctant. Our “Tribe Time” couple’s sharing is popular for a reason: it makes other couples feel less alone, and more “normal,” and connected. It’s a safe space that we provide that we’ve seen work time and time again.
5. Carefully consider when to bring up the topic. Wait until you are both relaxed and in a loving space with one another. Speak calmly and take the pressure out of your voice. No one wants to feel pushed into something.
6. Give your partner time to think about it and change their minds if they say okay to your request. Agree to revisit the topic in another week or so. Encourage your partner to watch our videos or listen to some of our podcasts.
If they still say no to attending one of our retreats, express your disappointment without blaming your partner. See what they would be willing to do. Maybe, they are willing to do the exercises in my book Passion and Presence: A Couple’s Guide to Awakened Intimacy and Mindful Sex, or perhaps you could read the chapters aloud together. Perhaps they might consider couple’s therapy or engage in a series of conversations to enhance or rekindle your erotic life.
Once you’ve found a starting point do what you can to make it a rewarding and connecting experience for you both. Find ways to build on your successes. If things go well, your partner may be willing to participate in a retreat in the future after all.
Warmly,
Maci Daye
